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aeloraTitle: What Love Is
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
aelora
Pairing: Anderson Cooper/Dan Abrams
Rating: Adult
Word Count: 7,182
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Summary: Anderson finds the definition he’s been looking for.
A/N: Forpen_of_jen's bday, and because she doesn’t believe in happily ever after... Hopefully, this helps! Special thanks to my fabulous beta, icalynn!! (Even though she isn’t into the pundit thing…)... Technically, this could be seen as a sequel to One Fine Day.
Anderson didn’t get a shrink because he necessarily needed one, but because it was pretty much expected of people like him. Even his mother had turned to him one day, after he’d returned from a rather depressing trip to Kenya, and said “Darling, you should have a shrink”. When he’d pointed out that he wasn’t crazy, she’d blinked those huge, gorgeous eyes at him and asked, “What does that have to do with anything?” And so he got himself a shrink, and went to him dutifully, talking about all of the things on his mind while simultaneously praying that Dr. Hathaway cared more about his license than he did making millions writing a best-selling tell-all about his client, Anderson Cooper.
One week, when Anderson had been particularly frustrated over his life – well, not his life necessarily because if he ever found himself truly bitching about everything he had that would just about be the time he’d have to shut himself off from society – but of life around him in general, he’d gone to Dr. Hathaway looking for answers. It wasn’t as if he’d expected the meaning of life to just be handed to him, be it the number 42 or whatever (and he quietly apologized to himself whenever his inner geek emerged), but he had hoped that the man who’d been listening to Anderson’s inner most thoughts on the world for the last few months would at least have some kind of sage advice to offer. Instead, he asked about Carter. Anderson had walked out on that session and never went back.
That also happened to be the same day that Anderson began dating Dan Abrams.
Not that he ever considered Dan Abrams his new shrink or anything, but over the next few months, Anderson came to the realization that the two were somehow tied together. Dan Abrams. Mental instability. It all had to be the same, really.
Or maybe it was emotional stability that was the key. Someone smarter than him could probably look over the entire situation (if he ever cared to share it, that is) and point out some emotional need missing from Anderson’s life that Dan provided. It wasn’t really as amusing or impossible as it appeared to be on the surface, if Anderson only dug down a little deeper, and looked at what his life had become since Dan had entered into it.
A few months ago, Anderson never could have been convinced he’d fall head over heels for Dan Abrams. At work, sitting in the makeup chair before going on-air, Erica looked over at him every night and asked, “Abrams? Really?”, and Anderson would smirk. He couldn’t help it, because every time he heard Dan’s name, it was the automatic reaction. And that’s how he’s explained it to Erica, to his mother, to Charlie (though Charlie never wants to hear about it); Dan made him laugh and made him smile, and it was all because Dan Abrams was really the most ridiculous person Anderson had ever met, and wonderful in ways Anderson really couldn’t put into words.
Theirs wasn’t a perfect pairing by any stretch of the imagination. They argued more often than not, went days without speaking to one another, and shared a jealousy streak that probably said more about their real feelings for each other than either would ever care to admit. Anderson loathed the constant paparazzi shots of Dan with various women that lined the social columns weekly, and Dan had lost his temper more than once over a mere mention by Anderson of either Sanjay Gupta or Rob Marciano, both of whom Dan was certain Anderson was sleeping with. They’ve learned there were some things they simply couldn’t talk about.
In all honesty, Anderson wasn’t certain exactly what it was that was happening between them. While the word ‘commitment’ had certainly never popped up, Anderson hadn’t really seen anyone else since he started dating Dan. And as often as Dan hit the clubs with his best friend, Dave, Anderson was fairly certain he always went home alone. Of course, neither of them talked about it. Neither did Anderson tell Dan that he eagerly awaited that morning text each day, or that his mother had begun referring to Dan as “your boy”, or that every so often, when he least expected it the simple thought of Dan made Anderson happy.
Anderson hadn’t spent much time in his life worrying about happiness. On the whole, it remained an elusive concept he had never quite been able to grasp. After all, to small child in Africa, happiness might mean little more than a guaranteed bowl of plain rice as substance, while to a corporate mogul it amounted to no less than a $100 million sales bonus. Every time Anderson had believed he’d been happy, he’d inevitably been punched in the gut. Over the years, he’d decided it simply wasn’t an emotional state meant for him to revel in; he began to focus on more important things, like trying to improve the world around him, and maybe create a little happiness for others. But he couldn’t say that Dan didn’t make him feel… different. He couldn’t honestly say that he wasn’t smiling a little more than usual and taking himself a little less seriously. Did that mean he was happy? Or that happiness was somehow the direct result of… Dan Abrams?
“Oh, hell. You have that look again.”
Anderson glanced up as Dan slid into the seat across from him. They tried to meet for dinner once or twice a week; a casual meeting between two unlikely friends. Since the cancellation of “Verdict”, Dan was on a different work schedule, having his evenings free. That night he showed up looking relaxed in jeans and white-button down shirt that, as usual, had the two top buttons undone.
Dan continued, “That whole ‘I’m Anderson Cooper and I have the weight of the world on my shoulders’ look.”
Anderson frowned. “You can leave, you know. There are plenty of other people I can have dinner with.”
Dan bit his lip, a slow smile spreading across his face that caused his left-sided dimple to appear. Anderson silently cursed his cock as it twitched in response.
Anderson had dated plenty of good-looking men in his time but there was something about Dan that hit all of his kink buttons. The salt’n’pepper hair (so much better than the dye jobs that Dan used to seem to insist on), the piercing sea-green eyes, the dimpled smile, the hands… god, Anderson loved Dan’s hands. Long, thin fingers, pale, perfectly manicured with shiny rounded nails – the complete opposite of his own, which he typically spent hours of each day chewing on. Yeah, he was a little obsessed with Dan’s hands, especially when they touched him.
“Earth to Andy Cooper…” Dan was watching him with a look of amusement; fingers tapping an impatient rhythm on the edge of the table, which Anderson had involuntarily been drawn to.
“Sorry. Did you say something?”
Dan smiled. “I was telling you that Dave and I were going to a premiere tonight – some little indie flick. I didn’t know if you still wanted me to drop by after or…”
“Yeah.” Anderson waved a hand. “I mean, that is, if you want to.”
Their relationship, or whatever it was, was odd. They spent more nights than not together, even though it was never after going out and then going home together. It was more typically like that night – one would appear at the others door late at night, and sometimes there was sex (okay, usually there was sex) but sometimes they just fell asleep in front of the television on the couch. They each left clothes at the others place, toothbrushes and other various toiletries; Dan had a stock of Coke in his refrigerator for Anderson; Anderson had coffee for Dan. And yet, it seemed, neither was certain about what they had.
“When do you get off tonight?” Dan immediately smirked at his own question, failing horribly at suppressing his giggle.
Anderson shook his head, but not without giggling as well. “You are twelve, Dan Abrams.”
“You like my youthful exuberance,” Dan told him, glancing around quickly to make certain no one was listening before relaxing once more.
“It’s called a gutter-mind, and on most people, it’s a bit of turn off.”
Dan bit his lip again, looking up at Anderson from beneath his lashes. “Most people.”
“Are we going to order dinner, or are you just going to sit there and annoy me?”
“I’d do other things to you, but we’re in public and you’ve got this whole reputation,” Dan air quoted, “thing going on.”
“Me?” Anderson rolled his eyes. “You’re the one who has supposedly slept with every available female in New York City.”
“You’re confusing me with Dave,” Dan corrected quickly with a grin. “I’m at about half.”
Truth be told, Anderson wasn’t that jealous of the women who threw themselves at Dan (after all, women showed up outside Anderson’s place all the time… not that he even knew who they were), but rather it was Dave who Anderson secretly seethed over the mere mention of. Dan and Dave were BFF’s in the most obnoxious of ways; frat boys to the extreme who walked into a party together immediately knowing that the gaze of every woman centered on them. They shared a pretty little stone cottage on the bay in Southampton, were more competitive than brothers and seemed to have the oddest obsession with celebrity. Most everything about them made absolutely no sense to Anderson, and their close friendship always left him a little envious, but he couldn’t deny the obvious charm whenever they were together.
“So anyway, if it’s too late, I won’t bother you.”
Anderson worried his lower lip as he stared at the menu in front of him. “Okay.”
What he’d really wanted to say was No, please come by. Even if it’s late. But this was one of those problems he’d talk to Dr. Hathaway about; his inability to say and ask for what he really wanted because he wasn’t ever certain he deserved to have it.
Dan was watching him again, maybe seeing right through the veneer Anderson tried to put up, but luckily their server stopped by to take their orders, redirecting their attention.
It was late, but Dan still showed up that night. Anderson was in a light sleep when he felt the bed dip beside him, and then a warm body was snuggling up to his, arms wrapped around him, pulling him close.
“I thought you weren’t coming if it was late,” Anderson mumbled against Dan’s shoulder.
“I got the feeling you wanted me to.” Lips pressed against his crown. “Andy, all you have to do is say it.”
He closed his eyes. “My shrink said the same thing.”
********************
Sex with Dan wasn’t the greatest thing in the world… but it was pretty damn close. Like, really damn close. Like, the only way it really could have gotten any better was for Dan to become a gymnast, and even then… well, Anderson didn’t feel like he was missing out on all that much.
By far the best days were when Dan simply showed up out of the blue at the CNN offices, charming his way past secretaries and personal assistants right into Anderson’s office, where he resolutely shut and locked the door behind him. Anderson wasn’t naive enough to believe that no one knew what went on behind that locked door, but he did try not to think about it. Inevitably, of course, Erica, Charlie and the majority of the 360 crew would spend the entire evening teasing him about it. Subtly, but teasing all the same.
Anderson wasn’t going to complain, though. When he looked up to see Dan slip into his office, quietly closing the door behind him, a playful smile that settled his dimple into place, Anderson couldn’t help but smile in return. Even though he was busy on that particular day, and really should have told Dan he didn’t have time, he found himself turning off his monitor and leaning back in his chair.
“Shouldn’t you be at work?”
“Maybe I am,” Dan replied, moving forward to sit on the corner of Anderson’s desk. “Maybe I’m here at the behest of NBC to see if the Anderson Cooper would be interested in appearing on the Today Show.”
Anderson rolled his eyes. “ABC would have a coronary.”
Dan smiled, tugging his lower lip between his teeth. “Maybe we could appear together.” Slim fingers reached out, plucking Anderson’s tie between them and gently pulling him forward. “Make all the fangirls wet….”
Anderson’s face warmed, and he shook his head. “You’re really full of yourself, you know that?”
“Nah.” He brushed his lips over Anderson’s. “I just happen to know we look very, very pretty together.”
“Oh, you do, do you? Have you been watching us in mirrors?”
Dan drew back, arching an eyebrow. “You know, that’s really hot. We should get one. Install it above your bed.”
“Great.” Anderson pulled away, standing to put away the confidential papers he’d been reading. “My mother would have a field day with that one.”
“Hell, your mother probably has one.”
Anderson turned to glare at Dan who was staring down at his perfectly-manicured nails. “That is… Just keep your perversions about my mother to yourself, Abrams,” Anderson warned, cuffing Dan gently upside the back of his head.
Laughing, Dan reached out, wrapping an arm around Anderson’s waist and pulling him close, head tucking against his neck where teeth grazed lightly against skin. “What about my perversions about you?” he growled, sending a shiver straight to Anderson’s cock.
“They’re… completely acceptable. Totally welcomed, in fact.” Anderson slipped his fingers through Dan’s peppered hair, pushing his head back, claiming his lips.
It happened this way sometimes. Easy banter between the two of them before lust inevitably won out. Other times, they said little more than hello to one another before either Dan or Anderson were on their knees. Anderson liked the teasing; he saw it as almost a kind of foreplay with Dan. Quickness of wit that didn’t spill over into obnoxiousness was a rare find, and though Dan occasionally teetered on the edge between adorable and intolerable, Anderson had been quick to discover that Dan’s personality was a bit of a turn on for him. There had been few people in Anderson’s personal life who weren’t entirely emo or screwed up in some fashion. Anderson tended to draw those types in; he felt comfortable around them, a kinship between them. The larger-than-life personalities invariably turned Anderson off, at least in most cases. Dan was a rare exception, perhaps because he’d always allowed Anderson to see a smallest hint of depth that was hidden inside. In fact, were Anderson to be completely honest, he’d say that deep down, Dan Abrams longed to be a sixteen-year old boy with long emo bangs and a closet full of black clothing, who listened to Weezer and cut himself. Of course, Dan would heatedly deny such a thing.
“You’re doing it again…” Dan whispered, fingers splaying over Anderson’s shoulders as he pushed his jacket to the floor.
“Doing… what?”
“Thinking.”
Anderson smiled a little bit, nudging Dan’s ear before drawing it into his mouth. “How can you tell?”
“Because you haven’t touched my cock yet.”
He giggled, all concentration on Dan’s ear breaking for the moment at his lover’s irrepressible honesty. Shaking his head, he kissed the grin that was flashed at him before pushing Dan back against the bookshelf, fingers trailing over the narrow expanse of chest exposed at the collar of his shirt before Anderson slid to his knees. He made quick work of Dan’s belt and slacks, fingers soon sliding over the length of smooth, warm skin.
“Andy… “ Dan bucked into his touch, hands settling lightly against Anderson’s shoulders as he leaned his head back against the shelves.
“Admit it. You’re just with me because I give good head,” Anderson whispered before his tongue snaked out to touch and taste.
“Mmmm. It’s one of a myriad of reasons.”
Anderson’s lips tugged into a smile as his fingers wrapped around the base of Dan’s cock. “Awww, Daniel, you learned a new word. Myriad.”
“Shuttit and suck it, Cooper.”
Smile growing, Anderson wrapped his lips around the head of Dan’s cock, teasing with his tongue flattened beneath it for just a moment before slowly sliding it ever deeper down his throat. He felt Dan’s fingers curl around his neck, tugging every so gently in a silent expression of need. Anderson’s eyes drifted closed as he worked, hand moving in tandem with his mouth along the hard shaft, fingers tightening at the base every so often before slipping to cup the balls beneath.
“Fuck… Andy… “ Dan’s fingers tightened their hold, nails digging slightly into Anderson’s skin. “Enough,” he whispered after a moment, pushing Anderson back as his cock slipped from his mouth.
He dragged Anderson back to his feet, mouths crushing together as Dan’s fingers unbuckled his belt and pants, pushing them past his hips to the floor. They stumbled slightly as he guided Anderson back to his desk, tripping over Anderson’s pants before kicking them to the side, giggling against one anothers mouths as fingers continued to tease cocks, and tongues twisted together.
“Left drawer?” Dan asked before his teeth nipped at Anderson’s lower lip.
He nodded. “Yeah. Same place.”
Anderson heard the drawer pull open, Dan’s hand fishing around inside, knocking various office supplies out of the way in his search. Then he felt Dan’s lips smile over his. “Always prepared. Like a Boy Scout.”
“Does that mean I have a badge in sexual preparedness?” Anderson opened his eyes as Dan pushed him up against his desk, watching as he tore the condom packet open with his teeth.
“Most useful badge to have,” Dan told him with a grin as he grabbed Anderson’s legs, wrapping them around his waist.
Anderson bucked slightly, head dropping back as he felt Dan’s fingers slide between the cleft of his ass, cool and slick with lubrication. He felt Dan’s gaze on him, watching as first one finger, then two, slid inside, stretching and twisting and teasing. When a third joined, and Dan’s mouth descended against Anderson’s neck, biting with a little bit of pain before his tongue slipped out to swipe it away, Anderson had had enough of teasing.
“Dammit, Dan. Fuck me, already.”
His lover giggled against his neck, fingers pulling away, a momentary loss before he felt Dan’s cock press against the opening, and then he was pushing inside, and Anderson bit down hard on his lip to keep from making sounds he’d rather his coworkers not hear. Tightening his legs around Dan’s waist, he drew him closer when it seemed Dan would take his time, crushing their lips together to muffle the whimper that escaped him. Dan’s hands settled against his hips, holding him still as he began to move, rough and a little needy, pressing Anderson back against the desk where a paper weight dug into his back.
“Better?” Dan growled into his mouth, lips sliding down his jaw, warm breath fanning against his ear with each thrust.
Anderson nodded, unable to speak, barely able to breathe as their bodies rocked together. Reaching between them, he wrapped his fingers around his own cock, pulling and tugging in rhythm with Dan’s movements, grip a little rougher than he would use on someone else. His head slammed back against the desk when Dan’s hand joined his, stars dancing in front of his eyes as Dan began to thrust harder, brushing against that perfect target that made Anderson gasp with every hit. Dan’s fist tightened around his cock, and Anderson was coming, biting his lower lip so hard he tasted blood, and he wanted to yell out and to hell with the embarrassment he would face later. His palms pressed flat against the desk beneath him as he pressed back on to Dan in an attempt to feel even more as he road out his orgasm. Moments later and Dan was stiffening against him, cursing against his neck in gasping whispers as he shuddered and finally stilled, weight falling into him as they both rested on the desk.
Minutes passed before the paper weight beneath his back got to be a little too much and he pushed against Dan’s chest. “Get… up. I’m going to need… back surgery.”
Dan pulled away, chuckling softly as he helped Anderson to a sitting position. Reaching back, Anderson picked up the paper weight and held it aloft. “See what I put up with for you?”
“The sex is just so good, spinal problems are totally worth it.” Dan flashed him a grin.
Anderson couldn’t help but return the smile. “Yeah. Okay. There is that.”
The sex was totally worth it.
**********
“You just jump at every opportunity to leave New York.”
Anderson had frowned at Dan’s tone. He’d told him he was heading back to Africa for another Planet in Peril segment; it wasn’t even going to be that long this time – eight days total. But from the moment he’d brought it up, their quiet little dinner together at the penthouse had seemed to go completely to Hell. Dan hadn’t even finished his meal; just got up, grabbed his plate, and dumped what was left into the kitchen sink. Anderson had followed, staring after him in confusion.
“Dan, what the hell – “
“You know you’re not going to save the planet, right?” Dan had asked, pouring himself another glass of wine. He turned with it in hand, waving it, wine sloshing over the sides on to Anderson’s tile floor as he said, “You can do a hundred fucking Planet in Peril segments and it’s not going to do any damn good. Your fans watch and go, ‘Oooh! Isn’t Anderson pretty??’ And then everyone goes about their daily business.”
“You’re drunk.” It had been the only reasoning Anderson could come up with as he had stepped forward and pried the glass from Dan’s hand. “And I’m not going to listen to you when you’re like this.”
Dan had snorted. “I wish I were drunk. Then maybe you running off with your little fuck buddies all of the time wouldn’t bother me so much.”
Anderson froze, staring over at Dan in muted shock. He had taken a deep breath, mind clogged with confusion as he set the glass down and grabbed a rag. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Oh, please. Stop trying to play all innocent.” Dan crossed his arms over his chest, looking very much like a petulant child. “I’ve seen the way you look at Sanjay and Jeff. The way they look at you. Don’t even bother trying to convince me your bed is ever empty when you’re away.”
He hadn’t even bothered cleaning up the wine. Slapping the rag back down to the counter, the only expression of anger Anderson could begin to allow himself, he turned and pointed toward the door. “If that’s what you truly believe,” he said quietly. “You can let yourself out.”
He’d left Dan standing there, went back to his bedroom and waited. Moments later, he’d heard the click of the front door closing.
Ten days later and Anderson still couldn’t explain what the hell had happened. He’d spent the majority of the time in Kenya in a very bad mood. If he had been sleeping with Sanjay and Jeff, and he hadn’t, they sure as hell wouldn’t have wanted to spend any time with him during that trip. The entire crew had pretty much left him to himself, all except for Charlie who got some perverse satisfaction over poking angry bears. All it had earned him was a rant from Anderson as to what had occurred with Dan. In response, Charlie had simply replied, “Wow. Abrams has a jealousy streak, doesn’t he?”
Jealousy? Was that all it had been? Anderson had been so angry over the idea of Dan actually believing he was out sleeping around on him that he hadn’t even bothered to consider the symptoms of such an accusation. He’d gone back and forth over the thought of whether or not he should allow Dan the chance to apologize and explain himself, and decided before landing back in the States that there was no way in Hell he was going to give in like that.
And then ended up standing outside the stoop to Dan’s condo three hours later.
When Dan opened the door, they stared at one another for a long moment without saying anything. Then Dan had stepped aside, allowing Anderson to enter. He set his bag down in the hall before turning back to Dan, his righteous indignation deflating at the look the man was giving him. It was his eyes, dammit. Dan had a way of looking at him with those eyes…
“Look,” Anderson began, trying to muster up some of the reserve of his earlier anger. “I don’t know what the hell ever gave you the idea that – “
He broke off as Dan’s mouth descended over his, sucking in the last few words with a soft breath, hands cupping his face, pulling him in closer. Seconds passed, complete with tangled tongues and gentle hands, and Anderson couldn’t, for the life of him, remember what it was he had initially wanted to argue over. Nothing seemed to matter suddenly other than the man who was pressing him back against the wall, fingers working quickly at the front of his jeans, and then Dan was on his knees before him, Anderson’s cock in his mouth, and Anderson just knew there was something he was supposed to be yelling at him for. But Dan’s tongue as it swept over the head, his hand as it worked along the base, and a second set of fingers that cupped his balls, ceased all higher brain functions. Anderson’s legs trembled beneath him, hands curling into Dan’s hair, holding on none-too-gently as he thrust into the warm, eager mouth.
Later, with Dan moving over him, flesh pounding against flesh as he rocked inside of him, Anderson began to understand why he had come there. As he dug his ragged, bitten nails into Dan’s shoulders, knowing that the marks would linger there for days, his lover had grasped his hips, pressing in deeper as he leaned in to whisper, “Only me.”
Anderson had nodded, had clung to him, wrapping his legs around Dan and pulling him closer, eyes closing as the pleasure/pain became wave after wave of pleasure, and he knew there was nothing else like it out there. Nothing for him, anyway. And as Dan stiffened above him, gasping Anderson’s name as he came, Anderson thought that maybe it was the same for Dan as well.
And something about that terrified him.
“What’s happening between us? What… what is this?” Anderson asked later that night, as they lay wrapped in one another's embrace, hoping his voice hadn’t trembled when he spoke.
Dan was silent for a long moment, then, “Does it have to be anything?”
It didn’t. But secretly, without saying it, Anderson wanted it to be something.
************
“You haven’t mentioned your boy in a while.”
Anderson looked away from his mother at her inquiry, reaching out to play with the butter knife beside his dish.
“Andy, honey, is something wrong?”
Something was wrong, but Anderson didn’t know what it was or why it had happened. After returning from Africa, he and Dan just seemed to have… drifted apart. He thought that everything had been all right after he had gone to Dan; that they understood one another. But the following morning, everything seemed different. Their dinners together were less frequent, as were the nightly visits. Slowly, piece by piece, Dan’s clothing disappeared from Anderson’s penthouse. All that was left was his toothbrush, sitting on the corner of Anderson’s sink, which he stared at every morning and every night, wondering why it was all that was left. It wasn’t as if they had argued, as if they had discussed that perhaps they should spend some time apart. It just… happened.
“I don’t know, Mom.” He fumbled with the butter knife. “One day everything was fine and then…. At least, I thought it was fine. Dan… Dan was having trouble with my location shoots but I thought we had it all worked out. And now… “He shrugged and pushed the knife aside, glancing up at the only person in his life he truly trusted. “I haven’t spoken to him in two weeks. It’s like… we just don’t want to see each other anymore, even though we never said so.”
His mother was frowning at him over her tea. “Do you not wish to see him anymore?”
He bit his lip and looked away.
“Andy.” She sighed, and set her cup down. “Andy, are you in love with him?”
His hands shook at the thought. He placed them in his lap, clasped together.
“Sweetheart, I think you’re in love with him, and I wish… Oh, Andy, I just wish you could accept that.”
But, he didn’t want to accept it. Love was as elusive to Anderson as happiness. He loved his mother, he loved his work, he loved his friends. But being in love had a different set of rules and boundaries that Anderson was, frankly, a little frightened of taking part in. According to Dr. Hathaway, Anderson’s fear not only stemmed from the thought of losing the person he finally gave his heart away to, but also of not being able to live up to some idealized version of love that was floating around in his head. When the good shrink had asked Anderson what he defined as love, he’d had a lot of trouble coming up with a suitable answer. He ended up describing it as something that included fairy tales and knights in shining armor and true love with little arrows through little hearts. Dr. Hathaway hadn’t said anything; he’d just made notes on his pad, and looked at Anderson over the rim of his glasses. Now that Anderson thought about it, the doctor had looked at him as if maybe he’d been crazy after all.
Anderson hated getting together with his mother when he was having problems with his personal life. She always ended up saying things – things like “I think you’re in love with him” – and then it became impossible for Anderson to forget them. For the next week, he’d sit alone in his penthouse, curled up on the couch with Molly sleeping beside him, and hear her voice over and over again “Sweetheart, I think you’re in love with him”, and it made Anderson want to throw things. Because even if he was in love with Dan Abrams, how was he supposed to know? And what was he supposed to do about it?
He became obsessed over the thought, and the fears wrapped up in it. Sitting with Erica each day at work, he’d quiz her: When did you realize you were in love? What do you define love as? Do you think it’s really love or just society’s view of what love should be? And Erica would give him that look – the one she always did that said she loved him, but he was really a big ol’ pain in the ass sometimes – and she would kiss his cheek and say, “Andy, that’s for you to figure out.”
God, he really hated women sometimes.
He’d fallen asleep on his couch, dreaming of a sunset in Africa, when the vibration of his phone against his hip woke him. Stretching, mumbling to himself over the interruption, he fished it from his pocket and held it up, staring at the words across the screen in as he wondered if maybe he were still dreaming: I miss you.
Anderson’s fingers tightened around his Blackberry; he couldn’t stop rereading them. I miss you.
He bit his lip, considered ignoring the text, putting the phone to the side and going back to sleep but then his fingers were moving: I miss you, too. God, so much.
He waited for a response. Five minutes, ten, fifteen. When a half hour passed by, Anderson began to wonder if it was all a trick. His eyes burned with the sting of unshed tears as he laid there and waited for words that might never come. He just wanted… He didn’t know what he wanted. All he did know was that three simple words, sent in a text message, had sent his heart soaring like nothing else ever had. That had to mean something, right?
Forty minutes, and he curled in on himself, closing his eyes as Molly’s soft tongue brushed against his hand, and there was a knock at the door. At first, Anderson didn’t believe it, and when it happened again, he froze, unsure of what to do. The knocking became more insistent the third time around, pulling Anderson into an upright position as he stared down the hall toward the door.
And then it stopped.
Seconds ticked by as Anderson slowly got to his feet, the sound of the locks turning and then the door opened, and Dan was stepping inside, glancing around before his gaze fell on Anderson. A crooked smile, complete with dimple.
“Forgot I still have a key,” Dan said softly, holding it up before slipping it back into his pocket.
Anderson didn’t know what to say; was too afraid to say anything.
Dan moved forward into the penthouse, tugging his lower lip between his teeth, offering another half-smile, and Anderson was fairly positive that smiles from Dan Abrams were one of the most beautiful things on the planet.
“You know when I got mad about you going off to Africa and said… well, it was uncalled for,” Dan began, stopping beside the couch. He sat on the edge of the armrest. Anderson just stood there, staring down at him.
“The thing is… I mean, that was really stupid of me, and I knew it, but I have this jealousy thing when it comes to you. It’s like, so many people want you, Anderson, and you don’t even see it. You don’t get it. And half the time, I swear, I’m standing there holding my breath, waiting for you to decide to pick someone better – “
“But there isn’t – “
“No. Now, just let me finish, because I’ve been thinking about what I was going to say, and you know me – if I get on a tangent I could totally fuck this up. So, you know, just shut up, okay?”
Anderson bit his lip, slowly lowering himself to the couch.
Dan rolled his eyes, blowing out a soft breath. “Where was I? Oh. You picking someone better. Anyway, I’m not saying there is someone better,” he flashed a teasing grin in Anderson’s direction, “but simply that, when it comes to someone like you, a person gets all… self-conscious. Well, I have anyway.”
He stood quickly, beginning to pace. “This isn’t me, Andy. Hell, you know me better than most anyone except Dave, and lately he’s been all ‘This isn’t you, Dan’. I mean, it’s not like my father raised either my sister or me to ever even consider the idea there might be someone better than us out there. But when it comes to you it’s all I can think about – “
“I never meant to make you doubt yourself,” Anderson said quickly, feeling suddenly ill, panic setting in that this was why Dan had pulled away.
“Shit, that’s not – “ Dan broke off, shaking his head as he stepped over to Anderson and reached out, cupping his face between his hands. “That’s not what I’m saying, and I knew I’d say this badly. Fuck.”
He dropped his forehead to Anderson’s, pressing them together, their gazes holding as Dan’s thumbs traced small circles over Anderson’s cheeks. “What I’m saying very, very badly is that I want to be everything to you, Andy. I want to be the best. I want to be what you want and what you need. I hate Sanjay and Jeff because I don’t want them to be better than me, and I was scared of you going away with them, and when you came back… God, Andy, when you came back I realized what it all meant. And that scared me even more… “
When Dan trailed off, Anderson found himself nodding in understanding. He understood because he had felt the same. Because the entire time he had been in Africa, seething in anger over Dan’s imagined jealousy, all he’d wanted to do was come home and prove there was no reason for Dan to be jealous. He understood because when they had made up, when they had laid there together that night in bed, Anderson realized he didn’t want to take another trip to Africa – at least, not for a while, and not without Dan. Because suddenly saving the world wasn’t his top priority; it wasn’t all that he had and it wasn’t all that mattered. Laying there in Dan’s arms, their anger at one another forgotten, Anderson had known it was the only place he wanted to be.
Anderson thought he might be in love. And, like Dan, it had scared the Hell out of him.
“I love you, Anderson Cooper,” Dan said softly, and the words weren’t so scary to hear, even as their lips drifted against one another. “I love you.”
Anderson wanted to say them in return. He was almost positive that he loved Dan. But when he opened his mouth to speak them, all he could do was draw in a shuddering breath. That scared him even more.
What if he couldn’t say it?
“Dan.”
He closed his eyes, opening them only when he felt Dan pull away. But Dan hadn’t left; he’d simply shifted, slipping his hands to Anderson’s waist, gazing at him patiently.
Anderson tried again. “Dan, I… There’s no one but you. There hasn’t been from the moment you smiled at me. I just… I’m all fucked up, Dan. I don’t know what I can promise you. I’m afraid that if – “
“We’re all fucked up, Anderson Cooper. Each and every one of us.” Dan laughed, cupping Anderson’s face between his hands again and kissing him. “We’re journalists. We make millions of dollars reporting on the ‘average person’, somehow convincing them we’re the same and feel their pain. If that doesn’t make each one of us fucked up, I don’t know what does.”
He dropped his gaze, unable to shake the feeling that he was somehow letting Dan down.
“You’re making this too difficult,” Dan said softly, touching his fingers to Anderson’s chin, bringing his gaze back to him. “We both were. All you have to do is ask yourself, do you love me?”
Anderson worried his lower lip again. He swallowed hard as he whispered, “I don’t even know what love is, Dan.”
Dan smiled, crushing Anderson’s last little bit of will to fight. He ran his hands over Anderson’s shoulders gently. “What do you want it to be, Andy?”
In all honesty, he’d never bothered asking himself such a thing. His brow furrowed in thought as he felt Dan pull him closer, arms wrapping around him, lips tickling the corner of his mouth.
“Tell me what you want love to be, Anderson Cooper,” Dan whispered. “And that’s what we’ll make it…”
************
“I said it last night. Finally. It only took me thirty-three days, four hours and twenty-eight minutes to be able to respond.”
“And? What did Dan say to that?”
“He threw a pillow at me. Told me I was a dork, and he already knew anyway.”
Silence. Anderson squirmed in his chair, glancing over at Dr. Markus, who was chewing on the tip of her pen as she watched him. He raised an eyebrow, waiting. She raised one in return.
“How do you feel now? Has your world changed? Are you under any more or less pressure by admitting to Dan that you love him?”
Anderson got the distinct impression that his shrink was subtly making fun of him. He pursed his lips, shifting again. “Well, no. I mean, I still wonder if it was the right thing to do. What if it’s not love?”
“What if it isn’t?”
He gaped at her.
“Anderson.” She laid her pen and clipboard to the side before folding her hands in her lap, gazing at him with a soft smile. “Human beings spend their entire lives searching for things so intrinsic to that which makes us what we are, that we oftentimes overlook them when they’re right in front of us. Love, happiness, security. We all long for them, build them up in our minds as the end-all, be-all, impossible to attain attributes that make our lives worth while. And in the end, the majority of us squander away the love and happiness that was right there all along.”
Anderson shook his head. “If it was truly all so fundamental, then the definitions wouldn’t elude us.”
Dr. Markus smiled. “Tell me something, Anderson. When you hear me say the word ‘happiness’, what do you think of?”
Anderson bit his lip as Dan’s smile instantly entered into his mind.
“And love? Just… love. What’s the first image you see?”
He knew what she was trying to say, but did it prove anything? His mind automatically associated the words ‘love’ and ‘happiness’ with Dan but they could easily be conditioned responses. He said as much to her.
“Anderson.” She laughed and shook her head, and Anderson suddenly felt like he was five years old. “Have you bothered asking yourself if maybe, just maybe, Dan is your definition of love and happiness? And, in the end, does any other definition really matter?”
As Anderson left his session that afternoon, he pulled out his Blackberry and sent a text to Dan:
I’ve figured it out, you know.
Figured what out? That I’m the most gorgeous man on the face of the planet? This I already knew…
No. But I did figure out you have the world’s biggest ego.
Andy Cooper, it took you six months to come to that conclusion? You’re really not all that bright, you know.
Shuttit. You’re ruining this perfect moment.
Impossible. Every moment with you is perfect.
Anderson stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and smiled before responding:
See? That right there… I figured out what love is.
It was a few minutes before the response came through. Oh? Care to share?
I’ll show you when I get home. Until then, I love you, Dan Abrams.
Feedback is love!! Well, one definition anyway... :)
Author:
aeloraPairing: Anderson Cooper/Dan Abrams
Rating: Adult
Word Count: 7,182
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Summary: Anderson finds the definition he’s been looking for.
A/N: For
pen_of_jen's bday, and because she doesn’t believe in happily ever after... Hopefully, this helps! Special thanks to my fabulous beta, icalynn!! (Even though she isn’t into the pundit thing…)... Technically, this could be seen as a sequel to One Fine Day.Anderson didn’t get a shrink because he necessarily needed one, but because it was pretty much expected of people like him. Even his mother had turned to him one day, after he’d returned from a rather depressing trip to Kenya, and said “Darling, you should have a shrink”. When he’d pointed out that he wasn’t crazy, she’d blinked those huge, gorgeous eyes at him and asked, “What does that have to do with anything?” And so he got himself a shrink, and went to him dutifully, talking about all of the things on his mind while simultaneously praying that Dr. Hathaway cared more about his license than he did making millions writing a best-selling tell-all about his client, Anderson Cooper.
One week, when Anderson had been particularly frustrated over his life – well, not his life necessarily because if he ever found himself truly bitching about everything he had that would just about be the time he’d have to shut himself off from society – but of life around him in general, he’d gone to Dr. Hathaway looking for answers. It wasn’t as if he’d expected the meaning of life to just be handed to him, be it the number 42 or whatever (and he quietly apologized to himself whenever his inner geek emerged), but he had hoped that the man who’d been listening to Anderson’s inner most thoughts on the world for the last few months would at least have some kind of sage advice to offer. Instead, he asked about Carter. Anderson had walked out on that session and never went back.
That also happened to be the same day that Anderson began dating Dan Abrams.
Not that he ever considered Dan Abrams his new shrink or anything, but over the next few months, Anderson came to the realization that the two were somehow tied together. Dan Abrams. Mental instability. It all had to be the same, really.
Or maybe it was emotional stability that was the key. Someone smarter than him could probably look over the entire situation (if he ever cared to share it, that is) and point out some emotional need missing from Anderson’s life that Dan provided. It wasn’t really as amusing or impossible as it appeared to be on the surface, if Anderson only dug down a little deeper, and looked at what his life had become since Dan had entered into it.
A few months ago, Anderson never could have been convinced he’d fall head over heels for Dan Abrams. At work, sitting in the makeup chair before going on-air, Erica looked over at him every night and asked, “Abrams? Really?”, and Anderson would smirk. He couldn’t help it, because every time he heard Dan’s name, it was the automatic reaction. And that’s how he’s explained it to Erica, to his mother, to Charlie (though Charlie never wants to hear about it); Dan made him laugh and made him smile, and it was all because Dan Abrams was really the most ridiculous person Anderson had ever met, and wonderful in ways Anderson really couldn’t put into words.
Theirs wasn’t a perfect pairing by any stretch of the imagination. They argued more often than not, went days without speaking to one another, and shared a jealousy streak that probably said more about their real feelings for each other than either would ever care to admit. Anderson loathed the constant paparazzi shots of Dan with various women that lined the social columns weekly, and Dan had lost his temper more than once over a mere mention by Anderson of either Sanjay Gupta or Rob Marciano, both of whom Dan was certain Anderson was sleeping with. They’ve learned there were some things they simply couldn’t talk about.
In all honesty, Anderson wasn’t certain exactly what it was that was happening between them. While the word ‘commitment’ had certainly never popped up, Anderson hadn’t really seen anyone else since he started dating Dan. And as often as Dan hit the clubs with his best friend, Dave, Anderson was fairly certain he always went home alone. Of course, neither of them talked about it. Neither did Anderson tell Dan that he eagerly awaited that morning text each day, or that his mother had begun referring to Dan as “your boy”, or that every so often, when he least expected it the simple thought of Dan made Anderson happy.
Anderson hadn’t spent much time in his life worrying about happiness. On the whole, it remained an elusive concept he had never quite been able to grasp. After all, to small child in Africa, happiness might mean little more than a guaranteed bowl of plain rice as substance, while to a corporate mogul it amounted to no less than a $100 million sales bonus. Every time Anderson had believed he’d been happy, he’d inevitably been punched in the gut. Over the years, he’d decided it simply wasn’t an emotional state meant for him to revel in; he began to focus on more important things, like trying to improve the world around him, and maybe create a little happiness for others. But he couldn’t say that Dan didn’t make him feel… different. He couldn’t honestly say that he wasn’t smiling a little more than usual and taking himself a little less seriously. Did that mean he was happy? Or that happiness was somehow the direct result of… Dan Abrams?
“Oh, hell. You have that look again.”
Anderson glanced up as Dan slid into the seat across from him. They tried to meet for dinner once or twice a week; a casual meeting between two unlikely friends. Since the cancellation of “Verdict”, Dan was on a different work schedule, having his evenings free. That night he showed up looking relaxed in jeans and white-button down shirt that, as usual, had the two top buttons undone.
Dan continued, “That whole ‘I’m Anderson Cooper and I have the weight of the world on my shoulders’ look.”
Anderson frowned. “You can leave, you know. There are plenty of other people I can have dinner with.”
Dan bit his lip, a slow smile spreading across his face that caused his left-sided dimple to appear. Anderson silently cursed his cock as it twitched in response.
Anderson had dated plenty of good-looking men in his time but there was something about Dan that hit all of his kink buttons. The salt’n’pepper hair (so much better than the dye jobs that Dan used to seem to insist on), the piercing sea-green eyes, the dimpled smile, the hands… god, Anderson loved Dan’s hands. Long, thin fingers, pale, perfectly manicured with shiny rounded nails – the complete opposite of his own, which he typically spent hours of each day chewing on. Yeah, he was a little obsessed with Dan’s hands, especially when they touched him.
“Earth to Andy Cooper…” Dan was watching him with a look of amusement; fingers tapping an impatient rhythm on the edge of the table, which Anderson had involuntarily been drawn to.
“Sorry. Did you say something?”
Dan smiled. “I was telling you that Dave and I were going to a premiere tonight – some little indie flick. I didn’t know if you still wanted me to drop by after or…”
“Yeah.” Anderson waved a hand. “I mean, that is, if you want to.”
Their relationship, or whatever it was, was odd. They spent more nights than not together, even though it was never after going out and then going home together. It was more typically like that night – one would appear at the others door late at night, and sometimes there was sex (okay, usually there was sex) but sometimes they just fell asleep in front of the television on the couch. They each left clothes at the others place, toothbrushes and other various toiletries; Dan had a stock of Coke in his refrigerator for Anderson; Anderson had coffee for Dan. And yet, it seemed, neither was certain about what they had.
“When do you get off tonight?” Dan immediately smirked at his own question, failing horribly at suppressing his giggle.
Anderson shook his head, but not without giggling as well. “You are twelve, Dan Abrams.”
“You like my youthful exuberance,” Dan told him, glancing around quickly to make certain no one was listening before relaxing once more.
“It’s called a gutter-mind, and on most people, it’s a bit of turn off.”
Dan bit his lip again, looking up at Anderson from beneath his lashes. “Most people.”
“Are we going to order dinner, or are you just going to sit there and annoy me?”
“I’d do other things to you, but we’re in public and you’ve got this whole reputation,” Dan air quoted, “thing going on.”
“Me?” Anderson rolled his eyes. “You’re the one who has supposedly slept with every available female in New York City.”
“You’re confusing me with Dave,” Dan corrected quickly with a grin. “I’m at about half.”
Truth be told, Anderson wasn’t that jealous of the women who threw themselves at Dan (after all, women showed up outside Anderson’s place all the time… not that he even knew who they were), but rather it was Dave who Anderson secretly seethed over the mere mention of. Dan and Dave were BFF’s in the most obnoxious of ways; frat boys to the extreme who walked into a party together immediately knowing that the gaze of every woman centered on them. They shared a pretty little stone cottage on the bay in Southampton, were more competitive than brothers and seemed to have the oddest obsession with celebrity. Most everything about them made absolutely no sense to Anderson, and their close friendship always left him a little envious, but he couldn’t deny the obvious charm whenever they were together.
“So anyway, if it’s too late, I won’t bother you.”
Anderson worried his lower lip as he stared at the menu in front of him. “Okay.”
What he’d really wanted to say was No, please come by. Even if it’s late. But this was one of those problems he’d talk to Dr. Hathaway about; his inability to say and ask for what he really wanted because he wasn’t ever certain he deserved to have it.
Dan was watching him again, maybe seeing right through the veneer Anderson tried to put up, but luckily their server stopped by to take their orders, redirecting their attention.
It was late, but Dan still showed up that night. Anderson was in a light sleep when he felt the bed dip beside him, and then a warm body was snuggling up to his, arms wrapped around him, pulling him close.
“I thought you weren’t coming if it was late,” Anderson mumbled against Dan’s shoulder.
“I got the feeling you wanted me to.” Lips pressed against his crown. “Andy, all you have to do is say it.”
He closed his eyes. “My shrink said the same thing.”
********************
Sex with Dan wasn’t the greatest thing in the world… but it was pretty damn close. Like, really damn close. Like, the only way it really could have gotten any better was for Dan to become a gymnast, and even then… well, Anderson didn’t feel like he was missing out on all that much.
By far the best days were when Dan simply showed up out of the blue at the CNN offices, charming his way past secretaries and personal assistants right into Anderson’s office, where he resolutely shut and locked the door behind him. Anderson wasn’t naive enough to believe that no one knew what went on behind that locked door, but he did try not to think about it. Inevitably, of course, Erica, Charlie and the majority of the 360 crew would spend the entire evening teasing him about it. Subtly, but teasing all the same.
Anderson wasn’t going to complain, though. When he looked up to see Dan slip into his office, quietly closing the door behind him, a playful smile that settled his dimple into place, Anderson couldn’t help but smile in return. Even though he was busy on that particular day, and really should have told Dan he didn’t have time, he found himself turning off his monitor and leaning back in his chair.
“Shouldn’t you be at work?”
“Maybe I am,” Dan replied, moving forward to sit on the corner of Anderson’s desk. “Maybe I’m here at the behest of NBC to see if the Anderson Cooper would be interested in appearing on the Today Show.”
Anderson rolled his eyes. “ABC would have a coronary.”
Dan smiled, tugging his lower lip between his teeth. “Maybe we could appear together.” Slim fingers reached out, plucking Anderson’s tie between them and gently pulling him forward. “Make all the fangirls wet….”
Anderson’s face warmed, and he shook his head. “You’re really full of yourself, you know that?”
“Nah.” He brushed his lips over Anderson’s. “I just happen to know we look very, very pretty together.”
“Oh, you do, do you? Have you been watching us in mirrors?”
Dan drew back, arching an eyebrow. “You know, that’s really hot. We should get one. Install it above your bed.”
“Great.” Anderson pulled away, standing to put away the confidential papers he’d been reading. “My mother would have a field day with that one.”
“Hell, your mother probably has one.”
Anderson turned to glare at Dan who was staring down at his perfectly-manicured nails. “That is… Just keep your perversions about my mother to yourself, Abrams,” Anderson warned, cuffing Dan gently upside the back of his head.
Laughing, Dan reached out, wrapping an arm around Anderson’s waist and pulling him close, head tucking against his neck where teeth grazed lightly against skin. “What about my perversions about you?” he growled, sending a shiver straight to Anderson’s cock.
“They’re… completely acceptable. Totally welcomed, in fact.” Anderson slipped his fingers through Dan’s peppered hair, pushing his head back, claiming his lips.
It happened this way sometimes. Easy banter between the two of them before lust inevitably won out. Other times, they said little more than hello to one another before either Dan or Anderson were on their knees. Anderson liked the teasing; he saw it as almost a kind of foreplay with Dan. Quickness of wit that didn’t spill over into obnoxiousness was a rare find, and though Dan occasionally teetered on the edge between adorable and intolerable, Anderson had been quick to discover that Dan’s personality was a bit of a turn on for him. There had been few people in Anderson’s personal life who weren’t entirely emo or screwed up in some fashion. Anderson tended to draw those types in; he felt comfortable around them, a kinship between them. The larger-than-life personalities invariably turned Anderson off, at least in most cases. Dan was a rare exception, perhaps because he’d always allowed Anderson to see a smallest hint of depth that was hidden inside. In fact, were Anderson to be completely honest, he’d say that deep down, Dan Abrams longed to be a sixteen-year old boy with long emo bangs and a closet full of black clothing, who listened to Weezer and cut himself. Of course, Dan would heatedly deny such a thing.
“You’re doing it again…” Dan whispered, fingers splaying over Anderson’s shoulders as he pushed his jacket to the floor.
“Doing… what?”
“Thinking.”
Anderson smiled a little bit, nudging Dan’s ear before drawing it into his mouth. “How can you tell?”
“Because you haven’t touched my cock yet.”
He giggled, all concentration on Dan’s ear breaking for the moment at his lover’s irrepressible honesty. Shaking his head, he kissed the grin that was flashed at him before pushing Dan back against the bookshelf, fingers trailing over the narrow expanse of chest exposed at the collar of his shirt before Anderson slid to his knees. He made quick work of Dan’s belt and slacks, fingers soon sliding over the length of smooth, warm skin.
“Andy… “ Dan bucked into his touch, hands settling lightly against Anderson’s shoulders as he leaned his head back against the shelves.
“Admit it. You’re just with me because I give good head,” Anderson whispered before his tongue snaked out to touch and taste.
“Mmmm. It’s one of a myriad of reasons.”
Anderson’s lips tugged into a smile as his fingers wrapped around the base of Dan’s cock. “Awww, Daniel, you learned a new word. Myriad.”
“Shuttit and suck it, Cooper.”
Smile growing, Anderson wrapped his lips around the head of Dan’s cock, teasing with his tongue flattened beneath it for just a moment before slowly sliding it ever deeper down his throat. He felt Dan’s fingers curl around his neck, tugging every so gently in a silent expression of need. Anderson’s eyes drifted closed as he worked, hand moving in tandem with his mouth along the hard shaft, fingers tightening at the base every so often before slipping to cup the balls beneath.
“Fuck… Andy… “ Dan’s fingers tightened their hold, nails digging slightly into Anderson’s skin. “Enough,” he whispered after a moment, pushing Anderson back as his cock slipped from his mouth.
He dragged Anderson back to his feet, mouths crushing together as Dan’s fingers unbuckled his belt and pants, pushing them past his hips to the floor. They stumbled slightly as he guided Anderson back to his desk, tripping over Anderson’s pants before kicking them to the side, giggling against one anothers mouths as fingers continued to tease cocks, and tongues twisted together.
“Left drawer?” Dan asked before his teeth nipped at Anderson’s lower lip.
He nodded. “Yeah. Same place.”
Anderson heard the drawer pull open, Dan’s hand fishing around inside, knocking various office supplies out of the way in his search. Then he felt Dan’s lips smile over his. “Always prepared. Like a Boy Scout.”
“Does that mean I have a badge in sexual preparedness?” Anderson opened his eyes as Dan pushed him up against his desk, watching as he tore the condom packet open with his teeth.
“Most useful badge to have,” Dan told him with a grin as he grabbed Anderson’s legs, wrapping them around his waist.
Anderson bucked slightly, head dropping back as he felt Dan’s fingers slide between the cleft of his ass, cool and slick with lubrication. He felt Dan’s gaze on him, watching as first one finger, then two, slid inside, stretching and twisting and teasing. When a third joined, and Dan’s mouth descended against Anderson’s neck, biting with a little bit of pain before his tongue slipped out to swipe it away, Anderson had had enough of teasing.
“Dammit, Dan. Fuck me, already.”
His lover giggled against his neck, fingers pulling away, a momentary loss before he felt Dan’s cock press against the opening, and then he was pushing inside, and Anderson bit down hard on his lip to keep from making sounds he’d rather his coworkers not hear. Tightening his legs around Dan’s waist, he drew him closer when it seemed Dan would take his time, crushing their lips together to muffle the whimper that escaped him. Dan’s hands settled against his hips, holding him still as he began to move, rough and a little needy, pressing Anderson back against the desk where a paper weight dug into his back.
“Better?” Dan growled into his mouth, lips sliding down his jaw, warm breath fanning against his ear with each thrust.
Anderson nodded, unable to speak, barely able to breathe as their bodies rocked together. Reaching between them, he wrapped his fingers around his own cock, pulling and tugging in rhythm with Dan’s movements, grip a little rougher than he would use on someone else. His head slammed back against the desk when Dan’s hand joined his, stars dancing in front of his eyes as Dan began to thrust harder, brushing against that perfect target that made Anderson gasp with every hit. Dan’s fist tightened around his cock, and Anderson was coming, biting his lower lip so hard he tasted blood, and he wanted to yell out and to hell with the embarrassment he would face later. His palms pressed flat against the desk beneath him as he pressed back on to Dan in an attempt to feel even more as he road out his orgasm. Moments later and Dan was stiffening against him, cursing against his neck in gasping whispers as he shuddered and finally stilled, weight falling into him as they both rested on the desk.
Minutes passed before the paper weight beneath his back got to be a little too much and he pushed against Dan’s chest. “Get… up. I’m going to need… back surgery.”
Dan pulled away, chuckling softly as he helped Anderson to a sitting position. Reaching back, Anderson picked up the paper weight and held it aloft. “See what I put up with for you?”
“The sex is just so good, spinal problems are totally worth it.” Dan flashed him a grin.
Anderson couldn’t help but return the smile. “Yeah. Okay. There is that.”
The sex was totally worth it.
**********
“You just jump at every opportunity to leave New York.”
Anderson had frowned at Dan’s tone. He’d told him he was heading back to Africa for another Planet in Peril segment; it wasn’t even going to be that long this time – eight days total. But from the moment he’d brought it up, their quiet little dinner together at the penthouse had seemed to go completely to Hell. Dan hadn’t even finished his meal; just got up, grabbed his plate, and dumped what was left into the kitchen sink. Anderson had followed, staring after him in confusion.
“Dan, what the hell – “
“You know you’re not going to save the planet, right?” Dan had asked, pouring himself another glass of wine. He turned with it in hand, waving it, wine sloshing over the sides on to Anderson’s tile floor as he said, “You can do a hundred fucking Planet in Peril segments and it’s not going to do any damn good. Your fans watch and go, ‘Oooh! Isn’t Anderson pretty??’ And then everyone goes about their daily business.”
“You’re drunk.” It had been the only reasoning Anderson could come up with as he had stepped forward and pried the glass from Dan’s hand. “And I’m not going to listen to you when you’re like this.”
Dan had snorted. “I wish I were drunk. Then maybe you running off with your little fuck buddies all of the time wouldn’t bother me so much.”
Anderson froze, staring over at Dan in muted shock. He had taken a deep breath, mind clogged with confusion as he set the glass down and grabbed a rag. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Oh, please. Stop trying to play all innocent.” Dan crossed his arms over his chest, looking very much like a petulant child. “I’ve seen the way you look at Sanjay and Jeff. The way they look at you. Don’t even bother trying to convince me your bed is ever empty when you’re away.”
He hadn’t even bothered cleaning up the wine. Slapping the rag back down to the counter, the only expression of anger Anderson could begin to allow himself, he turned and pointed toward the door. “If that’s what you truly believe,” he said quietly. “You can let yourself out.”
He’d left Dan standing there, went back to his bedroom and waited. Moments later, he’d heard the click of the front door closing.
Ten days later and Anderson still couldn’t explain what the hell had happened. He’d spent the majority of the time in Kenya in a very bad mood. If he had been sleeping with Sanjay and Jeff, and he hadn’t, they sure as hell wouldn’t have wanted to spend any time with him during that trip. The entire crew had pretty much left him to himself, all except for Charlie who got some perverse satisfaction over poking angry bears. All it had earned him was a rant from Anderson as to what had occurred with Dan. In response, Charlie had simply replied, “Wow. Abrams has a jealousy streak, doesn’t he?”
Jealousy? Was that all it had been? Anderson had been so angry over the idea of Dan actually believing he was out sleeping around on him that he hadn’t even bothered to consider the symptoms of such an accusation. He’d gone back and forth over the thought of whether or not he should allow Dan the chance to apologize and explain himself, and decided before landing back in the States that there was no way in Hell he was going to give in like that.
And then ended up standing outside the stoop to Dan’s condo three hours later.
When Dan opened the door, they stared at one another for a long moment without saying anything. Then Dan had stepped aside, allowing Anderson to enter. He set his bag down in the hall before turning back to Dan, his righteous indignation deflating at the look the man was giving him. It was his eyes, dammit. Dan had a way of looking at him with those eyes…
“Look,” Anderson began, trying to muster up some of the reserve of his earlier anger. “I don’t know what the hell ever gave you the idea that – “
He broke off as Dan’s mouth descended over his, sucking in the last few words with a soft breath, hands cupping his face, pulling him in closer. Seconds passed, complete with tangled tongues and gentle hands, and Anderson couldn’t, for the life of him, remember what it was he had initially wanted to argue over. Nothing seemed to matter suddenly other than the man who was pressing him back against the wall, fingers working quickly at the front of his jeans, and then Dan was on his knees before him, Anderson’s cock in his mouth, and Anderson just knew there was something he was supposed to be yelling at him for. But Dan’s tongue as it swept over the head, his hand as it worked along the base, and a second set of fingers that cupped his balls, ceased all higher brain functions. Anderson’s legs trembled beneath him, hands curling into Dan’s hair, holding on none-too-gently as he thrust into the warm, eager mouth.
Later, with Dan moving over him, flesh pounding against flesh as he rocked inside of him, Anderson began to understand why he had come there. As he dug his ragged, bitten nails into Dan’s shoulders, knowing that the marks would linger there for days, his lover had grasped his hips, pressing in deeper as he leaned in to whisper, “Only me.”
Anderson had nodded, had clung to him, wrapping his legs around Dan and pulling him closer, eyes closing as the pleasure/pain became wave after wave of pleasure, and he knew there was nothing else like it out there. Nothing for him, anyway. And as Dan stiffened above him, gasping Anderson’s name as he came, Anderson thought that maybe it was the same for Dan as well.
And something about that terrified him.
“What’s happening between us? What… what is this?” Anderson asked later that night, as they lay wrapped in one another's embrace, hoping his voice hadn’t trembled when he spoke.
Dan was silent for a long moment, then, “Does it have to be anything?”
It didn’t. But secretly, without saying it, Anderson wanted it to be something.
************
“You haven’t mentioned your boy in a while.”
Anderson looked away from his mother at her inquiry, reaching out to play with the butter knife beside his dish.
“Andy, honey, is something wrong?”
Something was wrong, but Anderson didn’t know what it was or why it had happened. After returning from Africa, he and Dan just seemed to have… drifted apart. He thought that everything had been all right after he had gone to Dan; that they understood one another. But the following morning, everything seemed different. Their dinners together were less frequent, as were the nightly visits. Slowly, piece by piece, Dan’s clothing disappeared from Anderson’s penthouse. All that was left was his toothbrush, sitting on the corner of Anderson’s sink, which he stared at every morning and every night, wondering why it was all that was left. It wasn’t as if they had argued, as if they had discussed that perhaps they should spend some time apart. It just… happened.
“I don’t know, Mom.” He fumbled with the butter knife. “One day everything was fine and then…. At least, I thought it was fine. Dan… Dan was having trouble with my location shoots but I thought we had it all worked out. And now… “He shrugged and pushed the knife aside, glancing up at the only person in his life he truly trusted. “I haven’t spoken to him in two weeks. It’s like… we just don’t want to see each other anymore, even though we never said so.”
His mother was frowning at him over her tea. “Do you not wish to see him anymore?”
He bit his lip and looked away.
“Andy.” She sighed, and set her cup down. “Andy, are you in love with him?”
His hands shook at the thought. He placed them in his lap, clasped together.
“Sweetheart, I think you’re in love with him, and I wish… Oh, Andy, I just wish you could accept that.”
But, he didn’t want to accept it. Love was as elusive to Anderson as happiness. He loved his mother, he loved his work, he loved his friends. But being in love had a different set of rules and boundaries that Anderson was, frankly, a little frightened of taking part in. According to Dr. Hathaway, Anderson’s fear not only stemmed from the thought of losing the person he finally gave his heart away to, but also of not being able to live up to some idealized version of love that was floating around in his head. When the good shrink had asked Anderson what he defined as love, he’d had a lot of trouble coming up with a suitable answer. He ended up describing it as something that included fairy tales and knights in shining armor and true love with little arrows through little hearts. Dr. Hathaway hadn’t said anything; he’d just made notes on his pad, and looked at Anderson over the rim of his glasses. Now that Anderson thought about it, the doctor had looked at him as if maybe he’d been crazy after all.
Anderson hated getting together with his mother when he was having problems with his personal life. She always ended up saying things – things like “I think you’re in love with him” – and then it became impossible for Anderson to forget them. For the next week, he’d sit alone in his penthouse, curled up on the couch with Molly sleeping beside him, and hear her voice over and over again “Sweetheart, I think you’re in love with him”, and it made Anderson want to throw things. Because even if he was in love with Dan Abrams, how was he supposed to know? And what was he supposed to do about it?
He became obsessed over the thought, and the fears wrapped up in it. Sitting with Erica each day at work, he’d quiz her: When did you realize you were in love? What do you define love as? Do you think it’s really love or just society’s view of what love should be? And Erica would give him that look – the one she always did that said she loved him, but he was really a big ol’ pain in the ass sometimes – and she would kiss his cheek and say, “Andy, that’s for you to figure out.”
God, he really hated women sometimes.
He’d fallen asleep on his couch, dreaming of a sunset in Africa, when the vibration of his phone against his hip woke him. Stretching, mumbling to himself over the interruption, he fished it from his pocket and held it up, staring at the words across the screen in as he wondered if maybe he were still dreaming: I miss you.
Anderson’s fingers tightened around his Blackberry; he couldn’t stop rereading them. I miss you.
He bit his lip, considered ignoring the text, putting the phone to the side and going back to sleep but then his fingers were moving: I miss you, too. God, so much.
He waited for a response. Five minutes, ten, fifteen. When a half hour passed by, Anderson began to wonder if it was all a trick. His eyes burned with the sting of unshed tears as he laid there and waited for words that might never come. He just wanted… He didn’t know what he wanted. All he did know was that three simple words, sent in a text message, had sent his heart soaring like nothing else ever had. That had to mean something, right?
Forty minutes, and he curled in on himself, closing his eyes as Molly’s soft tongue brushed against his hand, and there was a knock at the door. At first, Anderson didn’t believe it, and when it happened again, he froze, unsure of what to do. The knocking became more insistent the third time around, pulling Anderson into an upright position as he stared down the hall toward the door.
And then it stopped.
Seconds ticked by as Anderson slowly got to his feet, the sound of the locks turning and then the door opened, and Dan was stepping inside, glancing around before his gaze fell on Anderson. A crooked smile, complete with dimple.
“Forgot I still have a key,” Dan said softly, holding it up before slipping it back into his pocket.
Anderson didn’t know what to say; was too afraid to say anything.
Dan moved forward into the penthouse, tugging his lower lip between his teeth, offering another half-smile, and Anderson was fairly positive that smiles from Dan Abrams were one of the most beautiful things on the planet.
“You know when I got mad about you going off to Africa and said… well, it was uncalled for,” Dan began, stopping beside the couch. He sat on the edge of the armrest. Anderson just stood there, staring down at him.
“The thing is… I mean, that was really stupid of me, and I knew it, but I have this jealousy thing when it comes to you. It’s like, so many people want you, Anderson, and you don’t even see it. You don’t get it. And half the time, I swear, I’m standing there holding my breath, waiting for you to decide to pick someone better – “
“But there isn’t – “
“No. Now, just let me finish, because I’ve been thinking about what I was going to say, and you know me – if I get on a tangent I could totally fuck this up. So, you know, just shut up, okay?”
Anderson bit his lip, slowly lowering himself to the couch.
Dan rolled his eyes, blowing out a soft breath. “Where was I? Oh. You picking someone better. Anyway, I’m not saying there is someone better,” he flashed a teasing grin in Anderson’s direction, “but simply that, when it comes to someone like you, a person gets all… self-conscious. Well, I have anyway.”
He stood quickly, beginning to pace. “This isn’t me, Andy. Hell, you know me better than most anyone except Dave, and lately he’s been all ‘This isn’t you, Dan’. I mean, it’s not like my father raised either my sister or me to ever even consider the idea there might be someone better than us out there. But when it comes to you it’s all I can think about – “
“I never meant to make you doubt yourself,” Anderson said quickly, feeling suddenly ill, panic setting in that this was why Dan had pulled away.
“Shit, that’s not – “ Dan broke off, shaking his head as he stepped over to Anderson and reached out, cupping his face between his hands. “That’s not what I’m saying, and I knew I’d say this badly. Fuck.”
He dropped his forehead to Anderson’s, pressing them together, their gazes holding as Dan’s thumbs traced small circles over Anderson’s cheeks. “What I’m saying very, very badly is that I want to be everything to you, Andy. I want to be the best. I want to be what you want and what you need. I hate Sanjay and Jeff because I don’t want them to be better than me, and I was scared of you going away with them, and when you came back… God, Andy, when you came back I realized what it all meant. And that scared me even more… “
When Dan trailed off, Anderson found himself nodding in understanding. He understood because he had felt the same. Because the entire time he had been in Africa, seething in anger over Dan’s imagined jealousy, all he’d wanted to do was come home and prove there was no reason for Dan to be jealous. He understood because when they had made up, when they had laid there together that night in bed, Anderson realized he didn’t want to take another trip to Africa – at least, not for a while, and not without Dan. Because suddenly saving the world wasn’t his top priority; it wasn’t all that he had and it wasn’t all that mattered. Laying there in Dan’s arms, their anger at one another forgotten, Anderson had known it was the only place he wanted to be.
Anderson thought he might be in love. And, like Dan, it had scared the Hell out of him.
“I love you, Anderson Cooper,” Dan said softly, and the words weren’t so scary to hear, even as their lips drifted against one another. “I love you.”
Anderson wanted to say them in return. He was almost positive that he loved Dan. But when he opened his mouth to speak them, all he could do was draw in a shuddering breath. That scared him even more.
What if he couldn’t say it?
“Dan.”
He closed his eyes, opening them only when he felt Dan pull away. But Dan hadn’t left; he’d simply shifted, slipping his hands to Anderson’s waist, gazing at him patiently.
Anderson tried again. “Dan, I… There’s no one but you. There hasn’t been from the moment you smiled at me. I just… I’m all fucked up, Dan. I don’t know what I can promise you. I’m afraid that if – “
“We’re all fucked up, Anderson Cooper. Each and every one of us.” Dan laughed, cupping Anderson’s face between his hands again and kissing him. “We’re journalists. We make millions of dollars reporting on the ‘average person’, somehow convincing them we’re the same and feel their pain. If that doesn’t make each one of us fucked up, I don’t know what does.”
He dropped his gaze, unable to shake the feeling that he was somehow letting Dan down.
“You’re making this too difficult,” Dan said softly, touching his fingers to Anderson’s chin, bringing his gaze back to him. “We both were. All you have to do is ask yourself, do you love me?”
Anderson worried his lower lip again. He swallowed hard as he whispered, “I don’t even know what love is, Dan.”
Dan smiled, crushing Anderson’s last little bit of will to fight. He ran his hands over Anderson’s shoulders gently. “What do you want it to be, Andy?”
In all honesty, he’d never bothered asking himself such a thing. His brow furrowed in thought as he felt Dan pull him closer, arms wrapping around him, lips tickling the corner of his mouth.
“Tell me what you want love to be, Anderson Cooper,” Dan whispered. “And that’s what we’ll make it…”
************
“I said it last night. Finally. It only took me thirty-three days, four hours and twenty-eight minutes to be able to respond.”
“And? What did Dan say to that?”
“He threw a pillow at me. Told me I was a dork, and he already knew anyway.”
Silence. Anderson squirmed in his chair, glancing over at Dr. Markus, who was chewing on the tip of her pen as she watched him. He raised an eyebrow, waiting. She raised one in return.
“How do you feel now? Has your world changed? Are you under any more or less pressure by admitting to Dan that you love him?”
Anderson got the distinct impression that his shrink was subtly making fun of him. He pursed his lips, shifting again. “Well, no. I mean, I still wonder if it was the right thing to do. What if it’s not love?”
“What if it isn’t?”
He gaped at her.
“Anderson.” She laid her pen and clipboard to the side before folding her hands in her lap, gazing at him with a soft smile. “Human beings spend their entire lives searching for things so intrinsic to that which makes us what we are, that we oftentimes overlook them when they’re right in front of us. Love, happiness, security. We all long for them, build them up in our minds as the end-all, be-all, impossible to attain attributes that make our lives worth while. And in the end, the majority of us squander away the love and happiness that was right there all along.”
Anderson shook his head. “If it was truly all so fundamental, then the definitions wouldn’t elude us.”
Dr. Markus smiled. “Tell me something, Anderson. When you hear me say the word ‘happiness’, what do you think of?”
Anderson bit his lip as Dan’s smile instantly entered into his mind.
“And love? Just… love. What’s the first image you see?”
He knew what she was trying to say, but did it prove anything? His mind automatically associated the words ‘love’ and ‘happiness’ with Dan but they could easily be conditioned responses. He said as much to her.
“Anderson.” She laughed and shook her head, and Anderson suddenly felt like he was five years old. “Have you bothered asking yourself if maybe, just maybe, Dan is your definition of love and happiness? And, in the end, does any other definition really matter?”
As Anderson left his session that afternoon, he pulled out his Blackberry and sent a text to Dan:
I’ve figured it out, you know.
Figured what out? That I’m the most gorgeous man on the face of the planet? This I already knew…
No. But I did figure out you have the world’s biggest ego.
Andy Cooper, it took you six months to come to that conclusion? You’re really not all that bright, you know.
Shuttit. You’re ruining this perfect moment.
Impossible. Every moment with you is perfect.
Anderson stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and smiled before responding:
See? That right there… I figured out what love is.
It was a few minutes before the response came through. Oh? Care to share?
I’ll show you when I get home. Until then, I love you, Dan Abrams.
Feedback is love!! Well, one definition anyway... :)
